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Archive for November, 2013

This was written a number of years ago when I was struggling with depression

The choice is there every day –
to take or not to take.
     Pills are in the cupboard,
          the cupboard is on the wall,
               the wall is in the kitchen.

I need help, but feel weak for needing it –
not even sure what can help.
     Something for the pain,
          the pain inside,
               inside of me.

The doctor said drugs for now, if I want –
perhaps to rediscover my perspective.
     I cling to that hope,
          hope that seems distant,
               the distance that separates me from sanity.

My answer is yes, anything to feel different –
then a new problem emerges.
     Taking them feels like failure,
          a failure that is my fault,
               it’s my fault I can’t cope.

Not coping is one of the reasons to medicate –
so now a vicious circle.
     I can’t cope, so I take the pills,
          I take the pills, and feel more useless,
               I feel useless, and can’t cope…

Some morning are OK, reaching up –
get it over with.
     A white box of pills,
          the pills to be swallowed,
               to swallow and try not to think.

Other mornings my hand falters –
can’t even open the cupboard.
     They seem to make no difference,
          no difference in how I feel,
               no feelings that I can sort out.

My friends say to take them –
try to fix what is broken.
     But what is broken is inside,
          and inside is what I control,
               and lack of control is why I am broken.

My mind has a spacious cupboard –
overflowing with far too much.
     I put things there to keep,
          I keep them because I can’t let go,
               I can’t let go but I want to forget.

I yearn for oblivion and an end to pain –
no more complexity.
I try to use logic,
but logic and feelings don’t mix,
and mixed up is what I am.

Long-term, introspection is critical –
reclaiming to a degree of sanity.
     Untangle the web,
          the web of my mind,
               my mind that is lost.

Short-term, I return to the dilemma –
to take or not to take.
     Pills are in the cupboard,
          the cupboard is on the wall,
               the wall is in the kitchen.

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